Although our relationships are never entirely problem free, many of us find ourselves continuously challenged by the destructive and painful effects of our partner’s emotional scars. Unfortunately, in many cases our previous pain or difficult experiences contribute to or cause our mental health to decline, often resulting in illness (e.g., depression, anxiety, or other chronic mental health conditions). Even when couples work diligently to tackle an illness, sometimes for months or even years, they frequently discover that without professional assistance the illness perseveres, often exacerbating and eventually harming the individual who is experiencing the illness and his/her most cherished relationship(s). Although the individual who is experiencing the illness is usually frighteningly aware of the painful affects of his/her illness, many of us are unaware that our partner, family and friends are also greatly pained and affected by our illness.

When two people are involved in an intimate relationship one person’s mental health always impacts the other person’s mental health. When one person is feeling unhappy, fearful, anxious, negative, resentful or angry, for either a long duration or brief continuous periods, he/she unknowingly may also be negatively affecting both the other person and the relationship. For example, the effects of depression, and or anxiety can be extremely harmful to a relationship. The symptoms (e.g., change in sleep pattern, change in appetite, change in mood, change in cognition, decreased desire in interests, little or no motivation for life activities, and physical changes) can produce a number of poisonous effects that harm and or destroy a relationship. The effects of these symptoms frequently produce changes in a relationship- negative/depressed/anxious/frustrated/angry mood, decreased interest in intimacy, and a decreased desire to socialize with friends and family, all resulting from the untreated illness that infects the relationship. Not surprising, healthy partners may express their frustration with their partner’s illness by reacting with an angry/aggressive pattern of communication, rather than a supportive pattern. Furthermore, healthy partners may also respond by distancing themselves from their ill partners to preserve their own mental health, unintentionally exacerbating their partner’s condition and feelings of insecurity and loneliness. These unhealthy relationship patterns further contribute to a downward spiral that can be challenging to reverse.

The Negative Effects of Denial

Over the years, I have noticed a significant increase in telephone calls from people calling my practice to request help, not because they themselves are ill, but rather because they are feeling the negative effects of their partner’s emotional pain. These calls come from the people who love us most- our family, friends, and intimate partners. Although it is easy to be blinded by our own pride, refusing to seek out help for our emotional pain does create problems and emotional pain for the one’s we love most. Repeat after me, denying our emotional pain doesn’t change it, it doesn’t fix it, and it doesn’t make it go away. In fact, repressing our emotional pain is a sure way to make it worse, preventing us from truly enjoying life. When we repress our problems we allow our problems to drain us of our “life energy”, creating an unhealthy imbalance that worsens over time. Although many people want to believe that there is a magic drug that will change their problems, many of us have discovered there isn’t- it doesn’t exist! Although psychotropic remedies can be used to assist us in stabilizing our chronic conditions, there are no drugs yet created that will undo our painful memories or correct them. The good news, however, is that most of us can free ourselves from our emotional chains, with hard work, plenty of motivation, and a good mental health practitioner to guide our journey.

The Necessary Steps for a Healthy Restart

Although in some cases, mental illness can be extremely pervasive, in most cases, treatment can successfully reduce, if not eliminate, most of the painful symptoms that contribute to a person’s agony and suffering.

Necessary Steps:

• The first step is to acknowledge that there is a problem.

• Sit down with your partner and explain what has been happening, discuss the symptoms.

• Tell your partner that you realize that he/she has been struggling too, and that you are sorry that he/she has had to suffer.

• Ask your partner if he/she will support you through treatment.

• Tell your partner that you care about your relationship and that you are willing to work hard to repair the damage that your illness has caused.

• Tell your partner that you need his/her support to repair the relationship conflicts, and request that he/she participates after you have successfully completed treatment.

• Next, find a mental health practitioner who suits your needs- someone who has the experience and expertise necessary to treat your illness, as well as your relationship conflicts.

In most cases, the symptoms resulting from an illness create conflict within a couple’s relationship. These conflicts must be resolved before the relationship can return to a healthy balance again, not by one person alone, but by the couple as a team. Contact several mental health practitioners and request a consultation. If a mental health practitioner refuses to meet with you for an initial consultation to first discuss his/her experience, credentials, expertise and methods of practice—call the next practitioner on your list. As a mental health practitioner myself, I am convinced that in most cases, a comfortable relationship between the practitioner and the patient is an essential first step towards successful treatment. Even after an ill partner is treated successfully, the couple must work as a team to repair the pain that results from the illness, otherwise the couple’s relationship will likely continue to decline. In fact, when we become ill, the prognosis improves significantly when we have support- the more, the better!

Is Your Partner a Priority?

Finally, many people have discovered that they don’t necessarily have to abandon their relationship because of a partner’s illness. In fact, if the couple is willing to put forth the necessary effort, individually, and as a team, in most cases, mental illness can be successfully treated. Although many of us may believe that mental illness is something that can never happen to us, guess again-- it can. In fact, no one gets a free pass that guarantees that we will not develop some mental health condition. Although research suggests that there may be a physiological component to some mental health conditions, research also suggests that environmental factors significantly affect our mental health. Therefore, even those of us who may get lucky an escape a physiological vulnerability can still be victimized by our environment. What are your priorities? Is it your health and the people you love?